Nixon Player Watch
Listen up. You hear that noise that sounds like the dying offspring of a parakeet and a racoon? That's the guy who didn't buy this watch sobbing into his cups because his Spongebob watch didn't work as a clever pick-up line. The Nixon Player Watch doesn't guarantee that you won't be alone at closing time but at least you aren't the parakeet/racoon with Spongebob on his wrist.